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As the world goes round I often find myself straying behind. Not just in real life, but also very much online. What have I been doing these past few years? I took a deep moment for myself much like how Jay would sit down to meditate and reminisced about everything I've done. So many regrets have been building up that the sheer weight of them rendered me immobile and the chaos crystallized my heart. I've hurt a lot of people in my wake as I struggled to find my inner balance and peace back.
Especially a few years ago, I hid away in rp and no longer cared for the real world. Every single spoken word and every single line that was drawn was a sanctuary. Not just the stories I drew myself, but those of the people I roleplayed with as well. My story ended up merging with that of a close friend and it meant the world to me. It became the meaning to my life and nothing else mattered, every little detail was engraved into my heart like a reality.
But the world will never stop spinning and people will never stop growing. Change was inevitable from the beginning even though I was too blind to see it. Ideals and interests will develop as you grow older, but those of the people around me will always grow faster than I can keep up with. Now as time is healing some of the events that left a scar in my real life, so does my online life become less clouded as I wander my way through. And I see now how the path behind me is nothing less than the trail of destruction you see when a devastating tornado ravaged its way through a helpless town with no regard of the innocent people it would batter in its way. I sacrificed everything and everyone, and now as it turned out... it was for no good reason. If you're reading this and you were one of those people... I'm so terribly sorry.
I hid away again. I took my story back to myself and cradled it safely in my arms. I thought this was the first step to find some of my inner peace back. But just like an earthquake on the surface of our planet, the aftershock can be equally destructive. Whether it's the forces that make our homes crumble or the tidal waves that drown everything we once knew. Even when I thought I was healing, I spiralled even further downwards into the new crevice the aftershock caused as I couldn't let go of what once was, because it was still so dear to me. For a long time all I could do was watch as the light above grew dimmer until the opening was out of sight. Jay was thrown into his endgame and my story was coming to an end. I wanted it to end.
But I won't have this anymore. I am climbing back out and once I reach the surface everything can and will be rebuild. Jay has been pushing me to do something as he finally reawakened from his endless slumber in my heart and the crystal started dissipating. I don't want to be in a fight with anyone anymore. I'm aware it's impossible to befriend the entire world... and some lost friendships might be too far gone... but I will still fight to try. Even with rejection at least I will have tried.
Maybe all the words I've written down are too much like you've just heard Jay talking, but that's just who I am, how I am and you don't know how relieved I am that he's back. I owe it to him now to reset him just as much as I'm resetting myself. In rp and in friendship we'll both reset back to our sfera life. Jay will never have withered and died out of depression, because even though the whereabouts of his soulmate are currently unknown he knows they'll meet again and he knows they'll always stay true to one another. It's back to the way it's supposed to be... the way it once was, the way everything makes sense again. There are no longer any scars so deep they'll make him give up on his hopes and dreams. And I won't let them be created anew, not unless it's part of a plot he can climb out from. My mistake was that he got entangled with real life issues that affected the style of rp I was in, he got thrown out of character because I wasn't able to adapt to the changes I faced.
Now we're both free again, spreading our sfera wings as though they never disappeared. The friendships I still have left, no matter how frail, I still cherish and I'll do anything to save them. It's what Jay would do too... the real Jay and not the one that haunted my rp's these past years. Now I'll wait to see where fate guides me, both in friendships as rp. Even the people that may dislike or even hate me now... please try to remember I'm not an evil person that wants to make others miserable. I can just get misguided sometimes when I follow my heart and fight for love. Because if you don't fight for the things you love until your last breath... was it ever true love at all?
There's a lot to say about me, yet there's nothing at all. I'm just awkward, yet simple like that. One thing that sums up most of it is that I've got a form of autism called 'asperger syndrome'. Don't worry I'm not depressed over it! On the contrary I'm kinda proud to be different and I see autism more as a gift than anything else.|
It does cause me to be stuck in 'my own little world' as most people would put it, but thanks to dA I've been able to share that world with other people too. A lot of my time is also spend on iScribble, which is my favourite place to roleplay. Next to drawing, roleplaying is a big hobby too, so to be able to combine them both there was the ultimate discovery for me.
Well anyway, thanks for visiting and feel free to leave a message somewhere! I'm always looking for new friends.